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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28846035">I Know That It Gets So Hard Sometimes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olsies/pseuds/Olsies'>Olsies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), F/F, Henry Bowers is His Own Warning, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Lesbian Ben Hanscom, Nonbinary Ben Hanscom, Nonbinary Character, Transphobia, homophobic violence, nb lesbian ben hanscom, transphobic violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:47:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28846035</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olsies/pseuds/Olsies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a terrifying encounter with Henry Bowers, Ben seeks comfort in the arms of the Losers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Bill/Mike - Relationship, Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough &amp; Ben Hanscom, background richie/stan/eddie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Know That It Gets So Hard Sometimes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Huffing a little, Ben rubs their face and looks out at the dark campus. There are still students milling about, but less now that the sun has gone down. Richie is supposed to be picking them up but he’d gotten a flat tire and has to wait for Stan and Eddie to help him because of course Richie <em>does not</em> know how to change a tire. Ben knows logically that they could call any of the other Losers but they feel bad because everyone has been so stressed. Midterms had been that week and they are all fucking exhausted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t matter anyway. Ben can walk home; it’s warm enough and even though it’s dark, their dorm isn’t <em>that</em> far. They smile a little as they take off down the steps of the library. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walk down the path and listen to the sounds of other students laughing as they head to their various destinations. No one seems to care that Ben is walking alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben gets to the dorms, they sigh. Bowers and his friends sitting out front and laughing loudly. They are clearly drunk and are harassing students as they go in and out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Licking their lips, Ben wonders if they should call one of the Losers to come down, but then it doesn’t matter because someone spots them from the top of the steps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, look, it’s the <em>freak</em> that kicked your ass last week!” someone says and laughs. Bowers looks around and spots Ben. They’d seen each other a few times since the fight, but their friends had kept them apart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben is alone now and there is no one to save them from what is about to happen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, <em>dyke</em>!” Bowers yells and his friends laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bristling, Ben adjusts their bag and starts up the steps as they try to ignore the people around them. Ben manages to get all the way up to the top of the steps before Bowers blocks their path.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh uh, freak. Can’t go in till you pay us five bucks,” Bowers says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not giving you any money. Get out of my way,” Ben growls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bowers laughs and Ben can smell the cheap beer wafting off his breath. “Then you’re not going in tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get out of my way, Bowers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Make me!” Bowers challenges. He shoves at Ben’s shoulder and Ben glowers up at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t <em>fucking</em> touch me,” Ben hisses. Everyone laughs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“<em>Don’t fucking touch me</em>,” Bowers mocks. He shoves harder. “What are you going to do about it, <em>bitch</em>?” Everyone laughs again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben grabs Bowers’s shirt, pulls him close, and just glares. “You <em>really</em> want to fucking go again?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bowers just smiles, and in a low voice says,  “You lay a hand on me, and it’s over <em>little girl.</em>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Blushing furiously, Ben clenches their fists harder. “I just want to go to my room. Just let me pass.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Laughing loudly, Bowers just nods. “I’ll tell you what. You just give me a little kiss and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Panic floods Ben’s body as they slam their fist into Bowers’s stomach without any thought. They need to get away; they should not be here. Not now, not like this. Bowers folds in half and Ben tries to pull free, but two people grab Ben and hold tightly to Ben's upper arms. Their fingers dog so cruelly, and it <em>fucking</em> hurts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fucking <em>bitch</em>!” Bowers yells when he catches his breath. “You’re going to regret that!” He stands up and watches as Ben struggles to get away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their heart is racing, sound is starting to get weird. They need to get out of there, break free and just run. Run anywhere but there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Some people walk quickly behind Bowers as they pretend to not see. Tears flood Ben’s eyes. No one gives a fuck about what’s going on. All the people watching are just going to let this happen; they are going to let Bowers torture Ben.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben nearly pisses themself when Bowers pulls out a switchblade.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bowers, please,” Ben says, tears filling their eyes as they struggle against the hands holding them back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Laughing cruelly, Bowers just laughs and advances on Ben, the blade out between them. He freezes at the sound of a cop siren.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck is going on?” Someone yells as people begin to scatter. Ben looks down the steps and sees a campus police officer coming up the steps. “Henry! Let that kid go right fucking now!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Officer Anderson, this isn't what it looks like,” Henry says. The two guys holding Ben let them go and Ben rushes into the dorm. They are halfway to the elevator when someone grabs their hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me go!” Ben screams and swings with their free hand before they register Bill is the one who grabbed them. Bill pulls back just in time to not get his face smashed in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S-Sorry, B-Ben,” Bill says. “A-Are you oh-ok?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Ben lies. They both glance at the front of the dorms. “Who called the cops?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I c-called. I d-didn’t kn-know wuh-what else t-to do.” Bill’s stutter is so bad Ben is having trouble understanding him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben looks at Bil. “Are you ok?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“N-No. B-Ben y-you-” Bill stops and takes a deep breath. He holds his hand out and Ben takes it. They head to the elevator Bill is so upset he’s shaking but Ben just wants to put the whole thing behind them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s all over and Ben wants to tell Bill they are fine, that nothing happened, that they would have been fine, but Ben just looks up at Bill who can’t seem to make eye contact with them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bill is close to tears. Ben just stares down at the floor unsure of what to say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They go to their suite where Bev is working on homework in front of the TV. She smiles up at them but it quickly changes to a frown.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What-” She starts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“F-ucking B-Bowers-” Bill manages before Ben cuts him off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine. He was just pulling his usual shit,” Ben says as they let go of Bill’s hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S-S-Stop s-saying th-at!” Bill yells. Ben sighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?” Bev asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Ben says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I s-swear to g-awd, B-B-en, I’m guh-na p-punch you m-m-myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did Bowers touch you?” Bev jumps to her feet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my gawd! I’m fine!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If y- you’re s- s- so f-ine, wh- why are y- you sh- shaking?” Bill asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben frowns at him. They look down at their hands and their frown deepens when they realize that they are shaking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Ben says in a small voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bev gets to her feet and comes over to Ben. In a soft voice she says, “Ok. Let’s go sit on the couch, yeah?” She holds out her hand and Ben takes it, swallowing hard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Ben insists a little louder this time. Neither Bev or Bill argue, although Bill does let out an annoyed sigh. Ben follows Bev to the couch and lets her help pull off their backpack. Bill disappears and comes back with three cold water bottles. After handing over two for Ben and Bev, he sits on the floor in front of where they are sitting on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Ben says as they take a bottle. They take a small sip. Bill huffs and Bev squeezes his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We know, Benny. Can you drink a little more?” Bev asks. Sighing, Ben takes another drink before putting the cap on. They curl up on top of Bev, resting their head on her chest, and she strokes their back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the next twenty minutes Ben just sort of floats. They are tired and just want the night to be over, and they are just drifting off to sleep when the four other Losers come in together. They are all talking loudly, laughing and smiling. None of them have really looked at the others.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you guys seen what’s going on outside?” Richie asks excitedly as he goes to the window. “Bowers is getting arrested! I wonder what happened.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing!” Ben snaps. “Nothing <em>fucking happened</em>!” Ben gets up and rushes to the bathroom. After slamming the door and locking it, Ben doesn’t bother with the lights, just curls up in the empty tub and pulls their knees up to their chest as they try to not cry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, honey,” Bev calls through the door. “Baby.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t say anything. Bev tries the knob and sighs. Ben listens as she leans heavily against the door and slides down to the floor. They want to get up and go to her, but no matter how many times they tell themself to get up, they just stay curled up in the tub.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The others quietly talk on the other side of the door. Ben doesn’t need to hear them to know they are talking about Ben. Sucking in a shaky breath, Ben shoves their face into their knees.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a bit Stan knocks on the door. “Ben? Can you let one of us in? We just want to make sure you’re ok.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t move or make a sound.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben, please say something,” Stan says, but Ben just ignores him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few minutes later Ben hears Stan fiddling with the door. When it opens, Ben just pulls the shower curtain closed like it would protect them from their friends. Bev comes in a minute later and sits on the toilet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We don’t have to talk about it, but can you come lay in the front room with us?” Bev asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘M fine,” Ben mumbles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I know honey, but won’t you be more comfortable out there?” Bev asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sighing, Ben shrugs. “I’m tired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you rather just go to bed then?” Bev asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben considers this for a moment and lets out another breath. “Not really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to come out when the pizza gets here and the blanket fort is all set up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lifting their head a little, Ben whispers, “Blanket fort?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. The others are just about done,” Bev says. “Do you want to come join us?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one’s going to make me talk?” Ben asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope. You can just lay down with us and we’ll watch Disney movies and just relax.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After thinking about it for a minute, Ben licks their lips and sighs. “Yeah, ok. I’ll come out when the fort is up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bev lets out a sigh of relief. “Do you want me to get you some pajamas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ok. I’ll be right back.” Bev leaves and comes back in a few minutes later. She flicks the light on and closes the door while Ben blinks at the sudden brightness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stand up and pull back the shower curtain. Bev smiles at them and Ben gives her a big hug before tugging out of their clothes. Ben’s finally starting to feel better until they pull off their shirt and see the beginnings of bruises on their upper arms where Bowers’s friends had held them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben bursts into tears, and Bev pulls them close, holding them gently while Ben just <em>clings</em> to her. Bev rubs their back, kisses their hair, and just lets them cry until they are empty. Ben just leans into Bev for several minutes while they just breathe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they finally stand up, Bev hands Ben some toilet paper and Ben blows their nose. They look down at the bruising.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When those guys grabbed me, I was so scared and angry. Then Bowers pulled out a knife and I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He what?!” Bev asks. She looks at Ben looking for any signs of blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The cops came before- Cause Bill-” Ben takes a deep breath. "The whole thing only lasted a few minutes, but…" They take a deep breath. "Is Bill ok? He must have seen everything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bev licks her lips. “He’s a little shaken up, but I think he’s going to be ok. He’s more worried about you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben opens their mouth to say that they are fine but stops at the last minute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because they aren’t. They can't remember a time in their life that they had been more scared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taking a deep breath, Ben lets it out slowly and finishes changing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Bev?” Ben asks as she goes to open the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, baby?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you get me a hoodie? I don’t want the others to see.” They look down at their arms where their short sleeves don’t quite cover the bruising.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Absolutely, be right back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bev gets them a hoodie, and then they go out to the others. They are just finishing up, but Bill’s already curled up under some blankets, playing on his phone. Ben lays down next to him, pushing into his space. Without looking up, Bill wraps an arm around Ben’s shoulders and pulls them close. As soon as Bill is done doing whatever he’d been doing on his phone, he shoves his face into Ben’s neck and neither of them say anything for a long time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Bill?” Ben asks after a while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For saying I was fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm…” Bill sighs. “It’s ok. I w-was juh-st s-so sc-scared.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bill cuts them off with a tight squeeze. “You d-don’t have t-to worry ab-about that. It w-won’t <em>ever</em> ha-happen again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben wants to argue, but then the pizza arrives, and their conversation is cut short. Eddie gets paper plates and paper towels while Richie hands out cans of soda. They all get settled. Ben is smooshed comfortably in between Bev and Bill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all eat too much pizza while they watch <em>Ratatouille</em> and Richie talks in a terrible French accent for the rest of the night. When the movie is over, Stan puts on <em>The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh</em>. Everyone breaks off into separate conversations, but Ben just curls up and rests in Bill’s arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben can’t even imagine what it must have been like to walk up and find Ben like <em>that</em>. If roles had been reversed Ben would have lost it. Just <em>absolutely lost it</em>. Ben squeezes Bill who just rubs their back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Bev curls up behind Ben, pushing them into Bill, Ben knows they are all sleeping in the front room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, wait, wait,” Ben says as they try to shrug Bev off. She whines a little, and Ben kisses her nose. “I’ll be right back. I just have to pee.” They both laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben gets up and stumbles to the bathroom. After using the toilet, Ben washes their hands and brushes their teeth before heading back out to the others. Mike is curled up beside Bill and they are talking quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Ben comes back, Bill kisses Mike before rolling onto his back so he can pull Ben close. Ben settles into Bill's arms and sighs as Bev scoots up behind Ben. She wraps her arms around them and lets out a deep breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Love you," Bev mumbles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben squeezes her hand. The others are whispering quietly to each other and Ben just lays there listening to them and the sound of Bill's heartbeat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It is so steady, so solid. Just like Bill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taking a deep breath, Ben closes their eyes. They are a little warm but they don't want to take off the hoodie, they don't want the others to see their arms. It's all too much, and Ben knows they are already worried; they don't want to add more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben listens as their friends around them fall asleep one by one until only Ben is awake. Ben wants to sleep but they are too keyed up, so they just doze for a long time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they do manage to get to sleep, they have horrible nightmares. They dream of hands and fists and knives, and they wake up crying. Each time Bev and Bill are there to help calm them down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next day, Ben just sort of floats along, there but not really there. Bev convinces Ben to take a shower and they go out to breakfast with Bill and Mike. They’d invited the others, but they had just waved them off, none of them wanting to be awake before noon on a Saturday.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As they walk to the car, they hear people talking about the night before. There are so many rumors flying around that it makes Ben feel a little queasy. Apparently the police are looking for Ben, but Ben ignores the stares. The police know where they are. If the police want to find Ben, they will.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Walking out the door to the parking lot is hard. Ben holds their breath until they get in Bill's car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they get to the diner, Ben hunches low in the booth next to Bev, and while they logically know that no one is looking at them, they still feel like people are staring. They stay quiet, but do feel a little better after eating a large stack of pancakes and some bacon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the way home, Ben feels their chest start to freeze up the closer they get to the dorm. They cling tightly to Bev's hand. All they can see are the leering faces, all they can feel are the gripping hands on their shoulders. Ben still can't quite believe that some people had just walked by, that they hadn't stopped to help.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After they park, Ben stays frozen in their seat even as the others get out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Bev realises Ben isn't with them, she goes back to sit with Ben and she just talks about nothing for a long time. Eventually Ben leans over and puts their head in her lap. She keeps talking and begins to stroke Ben's hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, Ben lets themself unwind. They are safe in the arms of their partner and that's all that matters. Eventually Ben falls asleep, and manages to get a few hours in. There are still nightmares, but in the daylight they aren't quite as bad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they wake up, Bev takes them in the side door that Ben had forgotten about the night before. The others are all hanging out in the blanket fort playing Mario Kart 8. They shift to make room for Ben and Bev. Ben leans back on Bev's chest and pulls her arms around them sighing deeply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the race is over, Bill looks at Ben over his shoulder. "You wanna p- play?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben shakes their head. "Nah, I'm ok with just watching, but thank you." Bill nods once and turns back around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After kissing the space between Ben's neck and their shoulder, Bev murmurs, "You still tired?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shrugging, Ben squeezes her hand. "A little, but I'm tired of sleeping." Ben never really likes to sleep, and they really hate it the night after having nightmares. Bev kisses their neck again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Love you, baby," she says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Love you, too." Ben turns their attention back to the screen and watches as their friends play. They aren't sure what the days following would bring, but they know they are not alone, and in that moment, it is enough.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Right after I posted the first part, I started this piece, but it's taken me a while to get it out. I just wanted to make sure I got it all right and just like it's intense, so it took some time.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>If you want more nonbinary Ben, come follow me on <a href="https://nblesbianbenhanscom.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p>
<p>I'm definitely going to be working more in this universe, but hopefully the next part will be... softer. ❤️🧡💛💛💚💙💜</p></blockquote></div></div>
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